I start projects and never finish them. I'm afraid of most people. I aspire to greatness, but sabotage my success.
I like bacon and Doctor Who and post it notes. Actually, I love those things.
I write long ass posts about what's going on inside my mind and my heart. I reblog things that make me laugh or think.

 

So alone even Google can’t find me

These days I pretty much only have one real trigger that throws me into a suicidal tailspin. It leaves me feeling isolated, frustrated, disconnected, confused and so hopeless that I lay in bed crying wishing I could figure out how to end my life, knowing that I’m not willing to burden my friends with a stupid suicide attempt, or even just my thoughts, but knowing that if I could guarantee it’s success, I could feel some relief.

And I’ve gone from pretty much everything making me feel that way, to only one thing making me feel this way. Every time. No matter what.

An attempt to say something good about myself, ie improve my self esteem.

But how can that be? Everyone asks. We all know that improving self esteem is what is needed to make someone not want to kill themselves. Surely, I am just not trying hard enough. I need self help books, Doctor Phil, positive affirmations and therapy. That will fix me!

My therapist tells me I need to see the light and find some good things about me assuming I’ve never tried.

Countless people tell me ” you need to learn to love myself before you can learn to love someone else”. Are you shitting me? No you don’t! Do you think I’m that retarded? The two are not actually related! One is not a prerequisite for the other! And a huge majority of people in relationships are in them precisely because they don’t love themselves! Myth de-fucking-bunked!

And people would rather argue with me than actually consider my opinion. They’re simply obsessed with telling me my opinion is wrong, but inconsistent enough to acknowledge my arguments as valid outside of me.

I just feel alone and frustrated.

I’ve been going to school in hopes of getting a better job, but it can’t write a resume because I can’t actually see my own skills and qualifications. Right now one of my homework assignments is to write my resume and it’s been leaving me suicidal.

People seem to think that I am too lazy or stubborn to actually want to work on my self esteem. They think that all this self hatred consumes so much more energy than liking myself actually would. I don’t know. Personally, I feel like fighting suicidal thoughts alone is a lot harder than maintaining an equilibrium but then again, the rest of the world seems to think they know more about me than I do.

So my friends beg me to learn to love myself. The very same friends whom I can’t turn to should I become suicidal again. If I go into crisis again, I don’t have supports. They made themselves clear. I can’t call them. I can’t turn to them. If I become suicidal again, it’s because I didn’t work hard enough. I’ve already used up all their niceness so don’t even bother to call.

And trying to do research, hoping to find something that might clue me in as to why or how or even what supports I can try to have in place or something and Google comes up empty.

It’s clear to everyone else. Raise your self esteem and you’ll never be suicidal again. The only slight reference to someone possibly a little like me is already dead.

And congratulations to me I guess, the only thing Google can’t find.

1innea:

kittenesque:

pr1nceshawn:

Husbands can be incredibly helpful.

That one with the Christmas lights is creative, though!

Husbands are incredibly useless

If a man ever posted a collection of memes with some of the incredibly stupid, ignorant and annoying things women do to mock us, Tumblr would rage about how they’re perpetuating rape culture/gender stereotypes/etc, etc. this would not be okay if the tables were turned and that is messed up.

For the women who made these, this is your husband. This is the person you promised to love and cherish. This is the person you chose to have your back and be on your team for life. Show some respect and maybe consider learning to communicate better.

</rant>

1) Learn to put on your bracelets and zip up your dresses by yourself. There will be times when you will be alone.
2) Get on a long plane ride. Look out the window. Understand the immensity of our world. Understand your insignificance. Understand your absolute importance.
3) Press the send button. If you don’t say it now, you never will.
4) Do not sneer at happiness or roll your eyes at sadness. Be aware that apathy is not healthy.
5) You are more than the amount of people who want to have sex with you.
6) That pit in your stomach when he doesn’t text you back, it shouldn’t be there. No one should be able to control you like that.
7) Shopping is cathartic. Buy the shoes and deal with one-ply toilet paper for a while.
8) It will get better, but it will never be perfect. Learn to live through the small moments of happiness. When they disappear, remember they will resurface.
9) I promise that cookie will not change anything (except that it will make you smile).
10) Please, please, take care of yourself. You are everything to somebody. You are everything to your self. That alone is enough.

things to remember, -n.m. (via cateyesandthickthighs)

It seems like just yesterday
You were smacking the cigarette out of my hand
Yelling at me for starting again
Before you grabbed my pack and lit one of your own
Laughed and said “we need to go to Sephora”
A few weeks later I was smoking outside the church at your funeral
And I smoked for a few more years after that too
But now it’s been some time since I put out my last cigarette
Isn’t it strange how life just goes on

So much has changed since it was us vs the world
But how much I miss you still remains the same

I got a steady job
And my clothes don’t have holes
Took most of the piercings out of my face
And now I spend more time sober than I do drunk
It’s been months since I last went to karaoke
Sometimes I wonder
Would we have grown up together
Or would we have grown apart?
You would have made an incredible adult
I guess not all of us survive our 20’s

So much has changed since it was us vs the world
But how much I miss you still remains the same

I don’t remember her name anymore
Turns out you were right, it just wasn’t meant to be
I’ve forgotten a few other names since then
Then there have been others I’ll never forget
And I never thought I’d laugh again
Or share my heart with someone else
But I’ve loved and lost a few times since then
And I know that I will love and lose some more

So much has changed since it was us vs the world
But how much I miss you still remains the same

Introverts don’t get lonely if they don’t socialize with a lot of people, but we do get lonely if we don’t have intimate interactions on a regular basis.

Sophia Dembling, The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World (Perigee Trade, 2012)

(Source: wordsthat-speak)

how2beadad:

Fact. And they’re not just weird. They’re also boring. 

Via: Imgur

how2beadad:

Fact. And they’re not just weird. They’re also boring.

Via: Imgur

Sometimes this sign on my fridge is the only reason I haven&#8217;t gone to bed swallowing every pill I could get my hands on.. Not because I feel the need to keep this promise but because it reminds me that if I do, then all my friends either go through it again or walk.

I mean, if I thought for a second I could actually figure out the right amount and combination to actually finish the job, I wouldn&#8217;t be writing this right now. There would be no need.

And as much as it would hurt my friends at least then they could finally breathe. At least then they&#8217;d never have to go through it again.

But until I figure it out all I can do is remind myself of everyone I&#8217;ve ever alienated with my thoughts, every human being I&#8217;ve ever ruined and the people I love right now and try to hold it together in front of them even if that means lying through my teeth. Because I never actually got better. I just got better at lying.

Sometimes this sign on my fridge is the only reason I haven’t gone to bed swallowing every pill I could get my hands on.. Not because I feel the need to keep this promise but because it reminds me that if I do, then all my friends either go through it again or walk.

I mean, if I thought for a second I could actually figure out the right amount and combination to actually finish the job, I wouldn’t be writing this right now. There would be no need.

And as much as it would hurt my friends at least then they could finally breathe. At least then they’d never have to go through it again.

But until I figure it out all I can do is remind myself of everyone I’ve ever alienated with my thoughts, every human being I’ve ever ruined and the people I love right now and try to hold it together in front of them even if that means lying through my teeth. Because I never actually got better. I just got better at lying.

methhomework:

grofjardanhazy:

Evolution of the Desk (1980-2014)

gif: grofjardanhazy, original video via Best Reviews

WOW i didnt know computers could replace a printer,glue,scissors,tape,and a stapler