I've lived my life making excuses for the things I thought I couldn't do. I let people bring me down. I let the world take charge of my life instead of creating my own destiny.
I finally figured out two things. We create our own opportunities, and that I didn't want to one day look back at my life and wonder, "what if?". I don't want a life of regret over the things I never tried, so I made a list of things I want to try, things I want to accomplish, and adventures I want to be a part of. Not because I'm gonna die, but because I want so badly to live.
I got my acceptance letter from the University of Winnipeg a couple of days ago. I immediately started to panic. I really wasn’t counting on getting in. But now I’m in. I actually have to figure out how I’m going to do this.
I’m really worried about how I’m going to be able to balance school with everything else I have. I’m terrified of how I’m going to be able to afford to live when I’m barely surviving right now. I don’t know what my next steps are.
It was like 11:30 at night when I got the letter, so I told myself to not worry about it right this second and get some sleep.
Woke up still feeling scared, but a bit more focused. Talked to My Sister and Smile and Ninja, all university students. Smile and I are taking the same thing.
So I thought about things that need to happen and just started tackling them. Fuck being scared. Being scared and overwhelmed often makes me freeze so bad that I do nothing because I can’t handle it.
I will note that I haven’t even started school and I am already annoyed and pissed off with how many people feel the need to tell me that I should take theatre or music and ask me why I’m taking something else. I’ll spare you the rant here because it’s going to be a much better rant later.
But I realized that I am overwhelmed. I don’t know what I’m doing. So I asked Soldier to arrange a lunch meeting with someone who works in the field I want to get into. Then I went and did a bunch of research on the position, the education required and then did some research on degree planning.
Today I did the registration tutorials, called Student Loans to make arrangements to get my loan rehabilitated so I can apply for more student loans and made an appointment with an academic advisor.
It wasn’t until i did all of this that I realized a few things. I didn’t even hesitate to ask for help. It didn’t scare me to ask Soldier if he could make those arrangements with the woman I want to see. I didn’t even feel a slight bit of shame or remorse calling an academic advisor. I did these things with the thoughts in my head that it would help to set me up for success. I know that my best chances of doing this well is doing it with help.
So until I’ve met with the advisor, I’ve taken all the steps I can take right now. Well not quite. I have to call my bank and get my account switched to a student account. Also looking at more scholarships I can apply for.
However, I still have so much that I want to get done before school starts. It’s rather overwhelming. I still want to lose as much weight as possible and be as close to my goal weight as I can be before school starts. I have 5 things to scratch off the bucket list this summer. I also want to have as much stuff paid off as possible before I go back to school. I want to work with my therapist to develop the coping skills to balance my life and emotions while I am in school and beyond.
Basically, I’m planning on spending my summer setting myself up for success.
River: How are you even doing that? I’m not really here.
Doctor: You are always here to me and I always listen. And I can always see you.
River: Then why didn’t you speak to me?
Doctor: Because I thought it would hurt to much.
River: I believe I could have coped.
Doctor: No, I thought it would hurt me…and I was right.
I don’t think I understood Ocean’s side of things until I saw this exchange. I sit here and write and scream and cry about how much I love and miss my best friend. I write these posts and hope that maybe he can send me a sign, shoot me a text, something to tell me that he still cares, he’ll be here in 78 more days.
I see a lot of Ocean in the Doctor, But never as much as I did when I watched that exchange. Maybe because we had a very similar exchange a few days before he went away. Being able to watch it as a spectator and not being part of that exchange, I was able to really see the Doctor. I could see what acknowledging River’s presence was doing to him.
But I’m starting to see more and more. Ocean can always see me. He can always hear me. He knows exactly what I’m trying to accomplish and why. He doesn’t speak to me because I need to know he cares without needing his constant reassurance that he cares.
And it would probably hurt him more than it would hurt me for him to let his guard down and admit he can see me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, I’m gonna have to let you know my best is about the same with a little less throwing shit.
what if i got a boyfriend
i wouldn’t know what to do
what do they eat
how often do they have to be walked
At any time, Ocean can pick up his phone and someone will answer. If he ever wants to adventure, at least 10 people he knows will be game. If he wants to escape to climb or go hiking or do anything, he can.
Ocean can throw a rock and find a harem of women who would jump at the chance to date him.
But that’s the kind of person he is. It’s easy to be around him because he is just so charismatic and passionate about life.
So my being gone is of little significance to him because he’s already found better things to do. He has other people to replace me with. Maybe he misses me for a moment, but that’s all it takes before someone has answered his call and he’s on his way to hang out with someone. He said it best when he said “you’re the one hurting, not me”.
For me, I try to go on with my life and find other friends to adventure with. My entire phone book is busy or out of town or tired.
Every single person I have asked out in the last two years has shut me down. I was asked out twice. Once by a five alarm clinger who had planned our wedding and named our kids before our first date. Once by someone who threw a passive aggressive temper tantrum on my Facebook because I once posted about being picky about who I date.
I don’t have other options. I don’t connect with people easily. I don’t make friends easily. And hurting as much as I do right now makes me feel even more alienated and alone.
So I’m angry that Ocean can tell me “go have adventures” and jealous because he knows that he’ll always have someone to adventure with.
But once again, I’ve got a football and no one to catch it. My adventures are loner adventures that can be done on foot in the city.
I’m scared because I don’t know what happens from here. I’m jealous that I hurt this much and he doesn’t. And I’m angry that a summer I was so excited for is ruined before it even began.
“Don’t be sad because you miss your best friend. Think about your sister coming home soon.”
Why? Why am I not allowed to be sad? Why should I not be angry or scared?
I am sad. I miss my best friend. I still cry every single day because it hurts me so much.
Every time I hear my phone go off I jump to it, hoping it’s Ocean. Then I realize it’s not. He doesn’t have this phone number. So I look at my other phone and wonder why I’m looking at it.
I never wanted my best friend gone. I just wanted to be able to look at him without feeling like my heart was breaking.
So you tell me to call Pinkie and she should be my new best friend. It doesn’t work that way. The role that Pinkie and I play in each others lives is distraction. That is why we are “woo girls” when we are together.
And you pushed me to walk away and I don’t know why I listened to you. I don’t know why I trusted you. But my gut instinct about you was right and I don’t know what you’re getting out of this.
I don’t know what you get out of telling me not to date or even think about sleeping with other guys.
I don’t get how this is supposed to help. I don’t know why I believed you when you said you’d be here for me because most of the time you just insult me and hurt my feelings.
And then you tell me this is for the best. It’s too painful for me to be in a relationship. Tell me something I don’t already know. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day.
I know I suck at relationships which is why good friends I can truly trust and count on are so few and far between. I don’t make friends easily.
And I did this so that I could be a better friend to him in the future but you keep on telling me to just forget about him.
And maybe I’m looking for someone to blame because I would give anything to be able to hold my best friend and tell him I love him. I would give everything to get to go play with him in the damn park. When I spend my day in a chocolate store I want to send him a picture message that says “dude! We have to check this place out when it’s open sometime!”
And I don’t want to sit here wondering what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with, if he ever thinks about me and whether or not I’ll see him in 81 days.
I do know that something is screaming at me not to trust you. And the closer I get to you, the louder it’s screaming it.
I overtrained yesterday and I am definitely feeling it today.
It’s not like I didn’t see it coming. A trainer at the gym, Soldier and Little Ninja have all expressed concern over how hard I’m training.
I know I’m going this hard, but I have my eye on the prize. I’m really determined to get there. One day, I will be pretty enough to stop traffic. I’ll be so beautiful that I won’t get turned down or cheated on all the time.
But it’s more than how completely unattractive I’ve been feeling.
I’m starting to feel anger towards Ocean and I’m realizing that I don’t know how to be angry at him without being destructive to me or him.
I’ve never really been able to handle being angry at him, so I’ve avoided it. When it gets to the point where I can’t avoid it anymore, I start hurting myself.
Because in the past when I’ve been angry, I write the laundry list of shit they’ve done on my blog and passive aggressive Twitter and Facebook updates. I want them to know that I’m angry. I want them to know why, but from there I don’t know what else to do.
And right now, it’s not like I can pick up the phone and duke it out with Ocean.
My first time ever really getting constructively angry at Ocean kind of blew up in my face though.
So here I am starting to feel the anger for things I have every right to feel angry about. Anger I always talked myself out of. I blamed myself or told myself I was being crazy. I didn’t want Ocean to be the bad guy. I didn’t know how else to deal with it.
And it’s not like Ocean is the only person I’ve ever done this with. The only way I’ve ever really been able to be angry at a person is if I hate them.
So I don’t know how to handle this anger. I don’t know where to put it. I just don’t want it to destroy me. So I keep running. I work out until I have exhausted myself so much that I can think reasonably.
And I can write and relive and even have pretend conversations with Ocean in my head to deal with issues I need to stop avoiding. But it still doesn’t resolve things.
I’ve always been scared to tell Ocean I’m angry at him. I don’t know how to deal with it, so I get passive aggressive instead. I’ve been scared that if I get angry, then I’ll hate him and never want to see him again.
Instead what I’m finding in these early days of starting to sort through my feelings is that starting to deal with this anger leaves more room for me to appreciate him.
Starting to remove this cloud of negativity and anger that has shrouded my friendship with him for so long doesn’t make me hate him, it starts to make me like him even more. I can see just what we had and why it was so special. I can feel that friendship between us.
It’s hard to be so angry at my best friend. But I’m finding that letting myself be angry at my best friend now ensures that I can be a better best friend in the future.
And letting myself be angry lets me let go of it. And the more I let go of it, the more certain I can be that he is my best friend.
I’ve needed references lately. Letters of reference for scholarships I’m applying for and references for jobs I’m applying for.
I carefully made my list of people to ask. Now I purposely chose people who would have good things to say.
So I don’t know why I was so shocked when I started reading the letters of reference.
The first letter I got back was from Soldier. I was terrified to ask Soldier for a reference. I actually put off asking him because I was so scared to ask. And really, asking him for a reference was a strategic move more than anything because he works in the field I want to get into.
When I asked him for a reference, I thought that I was pretty much gonna get confirmation that I worked with him on a volunteer project and that I didn’t suck completely. Something like that.
So when I read his letter of reference, I was in absolute shock.
Almost a full page. He described all my qualifications for the current positions I am holding and exactly where and why he sees potential for me to further my career in the field. It was an amazing letter.
My eyes welled up with tears because I couldn’t believe that was how he saw me. It was incredible. And it was there in black and white.
And I don’t know why, but reading that letter, I believed him. I believe what he wrote. I don’t believe him when he says it, so it was so weird to read that letter and believe him.
I also asked Ocean for a reference letter.
I couldn’t even read the whole letter I started crying so hard. His letter was the most beautiful thing I had ever read. I had no idea why we were friends until I read it. I had no idea that was how he saw me.
He wrote about my accomplishments, but also about how I make other people feel, how I make him feel.
Even now, a couple weeks later, writing about what he wrote in my reference letter gets me choked up.
I don’t know what’s different about the letters. I don’t know why it’s different when I read the letters these people wrote for me. I don’t know why I believe the letters more than I believe their direct words to me.
But I believe the letters so I keep them on my wall. I read Soldier’s letter every time I think I’m bad at my job or I don’t belong at Big Event.
I read Ocean’s letter when I wonder what the hell anyone could ever see in me. I read his letter when I’m scared that I won’t see him at the end of summer.
Reading these letters helped me to start believing good things about myself and when I start to lose that belief, I go and read them again. I don’t know why it changes things, but it does.
How do you even write a script. What the heck.
I guess any way that works since nobody will see if but me, but still.
Celtx is a free scriptwriting program that will automatically format your script depending on what kind of script it is. (theatre, screen, audio, etc) There are also lots of online resources to help you with script writing.